Launching Your Child

By General Education Advice
David, a twenty-year-old from Old Saybrook, CT, who decided not to go back to college his junior year, looked at me with exasperation: “I know they mean well. But I don’t want to answer another question.”
He meant his kind parents. I only know most clients through a working relationship. But I know David through a long friendship with his Dad. We both know his Dad is a really nice guy and his mom is equally kind.
“What do you want to do?” That seems like a softball question. But it is actually tension-filled because there is no easy answer.
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It is a reasonable question. But it may be larger than the question your young adult can usefully answer.
Consider what we sometimes ask young adults to decide all at once.
What work will suit you? Where should you live? How will you support yourself? What will make your life meaningful? Which choices will you regret?
Many adults with decades of experience would struggle to provide confident answers.
A young adult may interpret “What is your plan?” as a request to resolve all of those uncertainties before taking action. When they cannot, they may become defensive, offer vague reassurance, or avoid the conversation.
My work has increasingly been sorting out high-stakes decisions, in part, because the tension created by post-high school decisions has become too high.
Parents – understandably – get edgy when a normal question – “what are you going to do now?” – is met with silence or a shrug.
Parents can interpret that response as indifference. Sometimes it reflects avoidance or insufficient effort. Sometimes the young person cares deeply but does not know how to turn concern into a useful decision.
The distinction matters because each situation calls for a different response.
A person who is exploring seriously needs room to learn. A person who is repeatedly postponing action needs clearer expectations. Neither benefits much from having the same frustrated conversation every Sunday.
I often make the question smaller
“What could you do over the next month that would help you understand your options?”
That question invites an answer someone can act upon.
A young adult interested in healthcare might speak with people in three different roles. Someone considering a business career might take an introductory course and apply for an entry-level position. A graduate who feels lost might examine several actual job descriptions and identify which responsibilities seem appealing.
These steps will not settle an entire future. They can provide information that thinking alone cannot.
Reading about a profession offers one kind of understanding. Completing an assignment, observing a workplace, or speaking candidly with someone who does the work offers another.
Even an experience that reveals “I do not want to do this” can be useful—provided the young adult examines why and uses that knowledge in the next decision.
David is now “on his way” after meeting periodically over the last few months.  To be clear, he is the “young hero”.  I am the guide.  I do know, however, it is a lot easier being the guide than the parent!