Do you have a college freshman?

Thanksgiving is on November 26 this year, and in kitchens from Old Lyme to Darien, parents are about to see their first-year students for the first time in weeks. Many of those students are not quite who parents expected to see. Some are exhausted. Some are quiet. Some are saying, “I hate it there.”

After 20 years of college counseling, I can tell you this: the first Thanksgiving home is when the truth tends to come out. How you respond matters more than anything else you will say this fall.

What does a struggling college freshman look like?

Normal adjustment looks like homesickness, a rough patch with a roommate, a grade that stung, or doubts about the major. It usually improves as routines settle in.

These signs deserve more attention:

• Sleeping much more or much less than usual, or skipping classes
• Pulling away from friends and activities they used to enjoy
• Grades dropping sharply, or a reluctance to talk about classes
• Expressions of hopelessness, or any talk of not wanting to be here in a way that worries you

What should you say at the Thanksgiving table?

Skip “So, how’s college?” Try one of these instead:

1. “What’s been the best part so far, and the hardest part?”
2. “What did you expect that turned out to be different?”
3. “If you could change one thing about this semester, what would it be?”

Then do the hardest part: listen without fixing. Resist the urge to say “Just give it time” or “We paid a lot for this.” Your student needs to feel safe telling you the truth.

Story: Elena, a first-year student from Clinton

Elena’s parents called me the week before Thanksgiving. Her grades were fine, but she had stopped returning texts and told her mother she “wasn’t sure about any of it.” Her parents were frightened, and their questions at home were turning into arguments.

When Elena and I talked, something surfaced that she had never told them. She had chosen a business major because it felt like the safe, expected choice, and she was dreading her classes. She was also embarrassed, because she believed switching meant she had failed.

We did three things. First, I helped Elena write down what she was actually curious about. It turned out to be public health and communications. Second, we mapped how a major change would work at her school, including credits and timing. It was much more doable than she feared. Third, I held a short conversation with Elena and her parents together, where I acted as a neutral guide. Her parents heard her side without it feeling like a fight.

Elena returned in January, switched majors in the spring, and told me later that the first real conversation with her parents was the turning point. The issue was never her ability. It was that nobody had given her permission to want something different.

When should you consider transferring or taking a break?

Sometimes the school itself is the mismatch. A transfer can be a healthy reset if the student is academically engaged but socially or culturally unhappy. A planned leave of absence can help if mental or physical health needs attention first. Starting at a Connecticut community college and transferring is another legitimate route. Each school has its own rules, deadlines, and credit policies, so check before deciding.

What about the parents who are struggling too?

I also hear from parents. When the youngest leaves, a house can feel suddenly too quiet. A couple from Norwalk, whom I’ll call Greg and Maureen, told me they found themselves calling their daughter constantly, and she was starting to pull away. We worked on a simple shift: a scheduled weekly call, instead of daily check-ins, and rediscovering their own plans. Within a month, their daughter was calling them more, not less.

How can an outside counselor help?

Families often get stuck because everyone is too close to the situation. An outside counselor can be a neutral third party who helps a student say what they have been holding back, explore options without judgment, and make a plan that the whole family can support. This is not therapy, and I will always refer to a mental health professional when that is the right fit. It is guidance for a major transition.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for a college freshman to be unhappy first semester? Yes. Many students feel homesick, overwhelmed, or unsure during the first semester. It becomes a concern when it lasts, affects sleep, grades, or relationships, or includes thoughts of hopelessness.

Should my child transfer after one semester? Not automatically. First figure out what is not working: the school, the major, the social setting, or something else. Sometimes support or a major change solves it, and sometimes a transfer is right.

How do I talk to my college student without pressuring them? Ask open-ended questions, listen without interrupting, and avoid jumping to solutions. Let them know you are on their side regardless of the outcome.

Can an outside college counselor really help? Yes. A neutral professional can often help a student open up in ways that are hard with parents and can guide the family toward realistic options.

If your student is struggling, you do not have to figure it out alone

[Book a consultation with me](https://[SITE URL]/contact) and we will talk through what is happening and what your options are. I work with families across Middlesex, New London, New Haven, and Fairfield counties, in person and virtually. Learn more about The Learning Consultants, or explore Career Counseling Connecticut if your student is questioning their direction.

Names and details in the stories above have been changed or combined to protect client privacy.

About the author: Daryl Capuano has provided college counseling for 20 years and runs The Learning Consultants, Connecticut’s largest private educational consultancy. He is the author of Motivate Your Son, Career Path of Abundance, and The Parents’ Guide to Career Planning for Your Twentysomething.